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Die Now – Pay Later “That’s right! Nothing remains! We lost our lease! Headstones starting at $50. Plots, tombs, family mausoleums, new and used, all slashed up to 70%. Cremation urns—one size fits all. Are you thinking of dying? This is the time to do it! Die now, save 50%. That’s right -- 50% off. You won’t even need a headstone! We’ll bury you up to your waist. Why put it off. It’s inevitable. Perfect gift for the wife and kids. What else says love more than a pile of dirt with your name on it? Come in now—free casket fittings. No obligation. You like it, we’ll just nail you up right then and there.

And we have grievers for you—starting at $5 an hour. They’ll show up but they’re not really going to put on much of a show. But the $100 grievers, let’s face it, the whole water works. They throw themselves on the casket. Of course it’s an extra $50 if you’re being cremated at the time. They don’t work a lot.”